Doctor Anxiety and "PA"tients

Why is it that Patient Anonymous becomes so stressed when she has to see doctors these days? No matter who it is I need to visit, first thing in the morning, my pulse quickens, my stomach churns and my brain just seems to lose all focus.

I have a dentist appointment today and I'm just a mess. I don't have a fear of dentists and my dentist is a really nice man. And so are all the hygienists. My original family dentist who I saw since childhood was awesome so I never had any bad experiences.

And I don't have a problem with doctors. I love you! I idolize you! I don't put you on pedestals as I understand that you are all human but I do admire you and have great respect for you. In fact, I am willing to put up with a lot. You might tick me off if we disagree on my treatment or if you screw up but in the goal of working together to make me well, I'll persevere. Believe me, one specialist almost drove me to litigation (not against him) for making a "boo boo" but once he realized how badly he'd messed up, he did try to remedy the situation. It was too late, however. Still, did I take it out on him? No. It wouldn't have mattered, anyway. He would have gotten away with a slap on the wrist at worst. Still, I suffered greatly so maybe that's one reason I'm a little nervous.

I've had some other bad experiences.

I had no physician when I was in university so I went to the first person I could see in the clinic there when I fell ill with some infection. He invited me to his private practice. My Bipolar Disorder was in its infancy and not yet diagnosed so I was just beginning to act out in many ways, one of which was hypersexuality. This did not bode well with him, it seems. It did not make sense to him that a self-proclaimed "lesbian" would suddenly need "the morning after pill" or emergency contraception in a flaming panic one day. I was never treated the same after.

I once went to an OB/GYN many years ago for recurrent UTI infections. When he examined me, he tapped my clitoris a few times and asked, "Can you feel that?" I was stunned. That had never happened before. I didn't know what to say or do so I simply answered, "Yes."

I have since learned that this is not part of a standard pelvic examination. I don't think it's part of a "non-standard" pelvic examination! Someone, please correct me if I am wrong. Then we moved forward with catheterization for output flow and I screamed! That was probably the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I felt really bad for the other women awaiting any procedures after me. He also prescribed me a little too much Valium/Diazepam along with my antibiotics. I was a little wary of OB/GYNs after that.

And then there are some of the problems that I've experienced with Endoscopies that I blogged about here. Thankfully my new Gastroenterologist has assured me that he can knock me out with a general for any procedures he needs to do from this point forward.

Finally, I managed to escape the clutches of a very unhealthy relationship with my Family Practitioner that I had been seeing for years. I wrote about it here. It also talks a little bit about my fear of doctors as "authority figures." But not much. Just that I have that fear; I really don't know why.

So maybe I've answered my own question here? I'm not really sure. I've finally found a new Family Practitioner but the relationship is still new and I'm still being lined up with a lot of new specialists so it's all rather daunting. I've worked on this in therapy but I still haven't managed to conquer my fear and anxiety over "dealing" with physicians. I know that they are relationships that I will always need to have, however. I don't need to be treated with "kid gloves" per se but I do need, I guess, certain types of doctors that will be kind, caring, patient, intelligent, careful, willing to work collaboratively and treat me with respect. Is that a lot to ask?