Why Can't I Believe In "God?"

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to incite any hatred, mud-slinging, flaming or general bitchiness (except maybe for me to rant--but only about my own life and not anyone else's.) There seems to be enough of that going around the flogosphere these days and I won't add to it. So please try and not take anything I say out of context. Religion is always a touchy subject but I feel like utter hell at the moment so why not toss it out there. Perhaps I would have fit right in there with the self-flagellants if I did believe during that time in history.

I am an atheist. I don't "preach" about it but if asked I don't hide this fact. I have been an atheist for...well, quite a long time now. I guess I would have to say for at least 10 years if I had to hazard a guess. Prior to that I would have to say that I was agnostic. My sister is a Jehovah's Witness, My father converted to Roman Catholicism in order to marry his third wife although be he and my mother were raised (loosely) in the Anglican Church. Oh, and my mother believes she is The Second Coming of Christ. No, I'm not joking. She's believed this ever since I was a child. Not in literal form but she believes that she is here to re-create a New World Order and she is to lead it. She has been "Sent By God" to do this. It's really fucking scary. And let's not forget the little gem drilled in to me since Day One that "I was Chosen By God to live." That's just too much weight (and guilt) for a small child to bear.

Aside: if you hadn't known about that there is some chance that my mother miscarried during her first trimester and lost a twin but I survived.

I have no problem with worship per se. Organized religion kind of gets my goat but I won't ramble on too much about that as it can get a bit heated and I don't want to go too off topic and start up. And I'm tired and sick. I do, however, respect everyone's right to believe what they wish. I have studied many religions of the world going back to my teens. I may need a bit of a refresher on some but at the end of the day, if it makes you a better, stronger person and can help you sleep well at night, what's the harm? I've seen my sister go through some frightful things in life and the members of her faith and Congregation were better to her than I could believe!

I've been envious at times of those with strong faiths. But I can't reconcile my own beliefs with that of organized religion for starters and that of a "Higher Power." I just haven't found anything that fits in my brain. Something that I can understand and accept. Something that makes sense.

I know a lot of people that believe in God and have faith say that you just have to "let go" and believe in things and have the faith and that is part of the process but I just can't. I can't believe in something that I can't have some sort of proof of...I can't just sit around and wait and wonder and merely "accept" something "on a promise." I do and have done enough of that already. I would simply rather adhere to what I can already intuit and see and derive. It makes me comfortable.

I don't want to turn this into a huge forum about religion. In fact, I kind of don't like arguing (errr... debating...) about it anyway and certainly not with zealots. As I stated above, I do not have a problem with anyone practising whatever religion they choose if it makes them a better person. I would respect the same treatment in return. I don't like people trying to convert me. I've had enough of that before, even from within my own family (not immediate but extended--my uncle is a Minister and they even tried to "faith heal" me many years ago...yikes it was a little scary as I was younger and didn't want them to do it but they kept pressuring me.)

I'm already kind of debating hitting the little orange "Publish" button as it is because I feel so low today. However, as they say, blogging is good for the "soul?"

All Shul'd Out

Still pretty tired. I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night as Mr. King of the Castle (aka our cat)

woke me up this morning like a fuzzy alarm clock right at 0800hrs looking for breakfast. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. It must have been after 0200hrs? My sleep isn't great, even with the Imovane. It basically keeps me down but I still need ear plugs as I've become a very light sleeper and if the room isn't dark enough, I will require a sleep shade. How glamourous, I know. And no, I don't have satin pyjamas to go with. But once I'm up, I'm up. I may buy an hour or so with my Clobazam, a weak benzo used as a seizure adjunct but because my dose is so low, it doesn't really do much in the way of having any sort of sedating effect.

Anyway, at least I don't have to go anywhere today! The last couple of days were just mad!

So yes, as the topic states, I had my first two, yes, two trips to shul (aka synagogue) on Friday night and Saturday morning respectively. My partner wanted me to go to her family one on Friday night so that my first experience would be a good one. A couple of reasons for this--that I soon found out.

First, her shul was nicer than the one we went to on Saturday morning (haha.) Second, the Friday night services were a lot shorter than the Saturday morning services. Oh my. A lot. We were there for almost three hours. Even my partner was wanting to die. Okay, maybe that's a little extreme but you get the picture. I'm speaking purely euphemistically here and no one really wanted their life to end--just the service.

And it wasn't for the celebration of Hanukkah that we were going. It's not really considered a High Holiday so I was told that the shul wasn't really busy (on Friday night anyway--the Saturday one, we didn't know much about as my partner had never been to that shul.) No, we went as a member of my partner's family was being honoured for their 50th wedding anniversary with something called an "Alia." It means "to rise up" and essentially your are called to read from the Torah. And there was a lunch afterwards.

It was simultaneously interesting and boring. I mean, the majority of it was in Hebrew so I couldn't follow or understand anything. There were books with English translation but the first part of the service was all singing and if you read my prior post, you will know that I don't sing in any religious service, English or not! There was a portion of Torah lesson in English but it was really long on Saturday. Wow. Granted, it's not my first service in another language. I went to a friend's father's funeral who is Coptic Orthodox. That was in Arabic and quite intriguing--in an odd sort of way.

Anyway, it's over now. I probably won't be going back to shul for a while haha.

But the best part is, I scored a couple of kipa's! These are also known as skullcaps, yarmulke's. We had joked with my partner's mother that I had wanted one after participating in so many holidays already (my partner doesn't even wear one, neither does her mother!)...I just like them--I'm silly. Well, in shul's everywhere, they always have "freebies" or "loaners." So if you don't have one, you just take one from this sort of communal box.

Well, after her mother finding out I wanted one, she was even going to go to the expense of having one made with my name embroidered in Hebrew--I mean, the whole nine yards. Yes, we think the woman really does want me to convert. I suppose it could be worse as she couldn't like me at all? Anyway, that plan fell through so now was my chance! (Aside: Ironically I used to have some that I stole from a hospital shul during my first hospitalization but the tales from that are definitely for another day!)

The ones at the first shul were just your "basic black" and simple--nothing special but on the Saturday, after the excruciatingly long service, I found another one, wool in the Sephardic style. They're bigger and sort of "boxier." They look like this:





So, maybe it was kind of bad to take it but hey, after sitting there for that long, I figured I earned it! Not to mention, since I'm half Pakistani, it actually kind of suits me better *grin* Not that my partner's Mom knows anything about that, or my psych/neuro profile...no, we're breaking her in gently. It was bad enough for her to learn that her daughter was actually gay...

Okay, time to put away some groceries and "stuff"...guess I won't be a complete "lady of leisure" today haha.

Let the Gastro Gauntlet Begin...Happy Hanukkah!

So happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish (and non-Jewish) readers. I'm not Jewish but my partner is so hey, you can celebrate too--I do! I've joined in on all the festivities since we've been together. I even read Hebrew at Pesach (aka Passover) but off the page (hey, I'm not that good.) I realize that I'm a couple of days late--the eight day "Festival of Lights" kicked off Saturday but I figure, since I've got eight days, I can post this now.

We inadvertently began Hanukkah by going to see Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Kind of ironic, don't you think? We didn't do it on purpose; we just hadn't gotten around to seeing it. Oh boy, Sacha Baron Cohen is nuts. There was one scene where I was almost rolling in the aisles and suffering from oxygen deprivation as I was laughing so hard--and loudly. If you haven't seen the movie, I won't tell you which part it was but if you have, go ahead and take a guess. I'll give you a hint: it had nothing to do with any of the "anti-semitic" comments.

Anyway, we've been busy--and will be busier. My partner's birthday also falls around this time of year...well, today actually so there's that to contend with also.

So far no news about celebrating Christmas with anyone from my side of the family. I can hear the crickets chirping... Just as well...I'm growing increasingly unhappy with Dad's side and well, Mom...that's difficult. My sister doesn't celebrate at all...she's a Jehovah's Witness. She's got the right idea!

But all the food! With the current condition of my stomach it's just awful. I eat anyway because I can't figure out any triggers and it's not like Jews are the only ones who put on big spreads this time of year. Actually, just about any ethno-religio-cultural group will always celebrate with food. It just so happens that right now it's Hanukkah time!

So being Jewish by osmosis isn't bad, actually. I kind of enjoy it. I won't be taking any conversion classes any time soon (much to my partner's mother's chagrin...) but I wouldn't convert to any religion. I carried the flag of agnosticism for many years but I became frustrated as a "fence sitter" and my rational mind took over so I proclaimed myself an athiest. I still respect peoples' choice to practice religion but I see it as a cultural construct, treat it as such and appreciate it on that basis. I have no problem entering a place of worship and even practicing in certain rituals but I will draw the line at praying and I do not sing hymns. I do enjoy listening to sacred music very much though. That's more of an appreciation of the art form, however.

Fundamentalists get my blood boiling a little. I'm a "live and let live" kind of person as I hope you can sort of gather from above. Don't try and "convert" me! And don't get your panties in a bunch just because I'm (by your definition) an evil non-believer! Sheesh. I'm not some "fundamentalist athiest" who runs around trying to "non-convert" people! It's not like I preach that all religion is evil--although sometimes I may take issue with organized religion. A lot of people run around and misquote Marx saying "Religion is the opiate of the masses!" but I won't. I think faith is good, faith is fine. If it gets you through the day and makes you a better person, that's great! But yes, it's probably more the institutions and hypocrisy within them that I have a problem with.

Okay, welcome to tangent-land with Patient Anonymous! Consider yourself warned. Posts like these may occur frequently.

So anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Tohji-taisai, Happy Yule, Happy Solstice, Happy Joseph Smith's Birthday, Happy Sharaf, Happy Kwanzaa...I think that should just about cover everything? Or maybe not.