Monday, March 19, 2007

Why Can't I Believe In "God?"

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to incite any hatred, mud-slinging, flaming or general bitchiness (except maybe for me to rant--but only about my own life and not anyone else's.) There seems to be enough of that going around the flogosphere these days and I won't add to it. So please try and not take anything I say out of context. Religion is always a touchy subject but I feel like utter hell at the moment so why not toss it out there. Perhaps I would have fit right in there with the self-flagellants if I did believe during that time in history.

I am an atheist. I don't "preach" about it but if asked I don't hide this fact. I have been an atheist for...well, quite a long time now. I guess I would have to say for at least 10 years if I had to hazard a guess. Prior to that I would have to say that I was agnostic. My sister is a Jehovah's Witness, My father converted to Roman Catholicism in order to marry his third wife although be he and my mother were raised (loosely) in the Anglican Church. Oh, and my mother believes she is The Second Coming of Christ. No, I'm not joking. She's believed this ever since I was a child. Not in literal form but she believes that she is here to re-create a New World Order and she is to lead it. She has been "Sent By God" to do this. It's really fucking scary. And let's not forget the little gem drilled in to me since Day One that "I was Chosen By God to live." That's just too much weight (and guilt) for a small child to bear.

Aside: if you hadn't known about that there is some chance that my mother miscarried during her first trimester and lost a twin but I survived.

I have no problem with worship per se. Organized religion kind of gets my goat but I won't ramble on too much about that as it can get a bit heated and I don't want to go too off topic and start up. And I'm tired and sick. I do, however, respect everyone's right to believe what they wish. I have studied many religions of the world going back to my teens. I may need a bit of a refresher on some but at the end of the day, if it makes you a better, stronger person and can help you sleep well at night, what's the harm? I've seen my sister go through some frightful things in life and the members of her faith and Congregation were better to her than I could believe!

I've been envious at times of those with strong faiths. But I can't reconcile my own beliefs with that of organized religion for starters and that of a "Higher Power." I just haven't found anything that fits in my brain. Something that I can understand and accept. Something that makes sense.

I know a lot of people that believe in God and have faith say that you just have to "let go" and believe in things and have the faith and that is part of the process but I just can't. I can't believe in something that I can't have some sort of proof of...I can't just sit around and wait and wonder and merely "accept" something "on a promise." I do and have done enough of that already. I would simply rather adhere to what I can already intuit and see and derive. It makes me comfortable.

I don't want to turn this into a huge forum about religion. In fact, I kind of don't like arguing (errr... debating...) about it anyway and certainly not with zealots. As I stated above, I do not have a problem with anyone practising whatever religion they choose if it makes them a better person. I would respect the same treatment in return. I don't like people trying to convert me. I've had enough of that before, even from within my own family (not immediate but extended--my uncle is a Minister and they even tried to "faith heal" me many years ago...yikes it was a little scary as I was younger and didn't want them to do it but they kept pressuring me.)

I'm already kind of debating hitting the little orange "Publish" button as it is because I feel so low today. However, as they say, blogging is good for the "soul?"

10 comments:

SeaSpray said...

Hi P.A. - Very interesting post. Don't you dare hit that button! :) (kidding - your button - do what you want) You brought up some interesting considerations.

I am pressed for time right now, so I will come back to this post again. if you have ever read any of my posts then you know I do have a strong faith in God - i believe he's as real as this computer i am looking at right now.

You are right to question. Paul tells us in the new testament that God says to test the spirits and not fall for everything. (Not at all verbatim there.)

If u have any doubt - at all - then ask him to reveal himself to you. he knows everything about you and loves you - unconditionally. it doesn't sound like you have had a whole lot of unconditional love in your life, but God does love you that way.

Also, the Holy Spirit is a gentlemen and will never force himself on you. so, when well meaning people are forcing you to do something for God, etc - God has no part in that. it's all about our FREE WILL with God. He love's us that much, and he wants a relationship but he will never force himself on a person. has to be THEIR choice. deep, deep subject. gotta go. have a beautiful day P.A.! :)

Patient Anonymous said...

Thanks for commenting seapsray, I understand that you have/had to dash so no worries. Yes, this type of post/subject matter can go on for a long time, is convuluted and deep.

I really like and appreciate your perspective. It is nice to hear from balanced and gentle believers out there. It sure is a change.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

It is easy to lose faith, not have faith, etc. in this day and age. I'd like to think there is a higher power. Many days I do. Others days I don't.

Benedict 16th said...

Dear PA - if you are feeling feisty - a quick read of Beep-Beep It's Me's page makes me feel better about an athiest world again. See some of the God-botherers post comments every now and again.

If you like - I can email you a copy of the "God Delusion"?

I'm usually findable at xviben
and you have to mix it with gmaildotcom

Benny

Patient Anonymous said...

Hi Deb,thanks for sharing your personal perspective. I admire that.

Hey benedict 16th, I will indeed check out that blog. Thank you. Always on the look out for good reads. And please send me the "God Delusion." I am intrigued.

And by the way, just peeked at your blog and had a laugh at the "wristbands" that seem to the the new "ribbons" these day, eh?

I can't choose which one I'd buy--either apathy or despair but probably despair because I like the darker colour better. And despair suits me better as well at the moment.

But I can't wear those things! I can't stand the *FEEL* of them. It's a major sensory thing. Blech.

Secret Rapture said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman
Your jaw will drop!

Patient Anonymous said...

Hi secret rapture, I just had a look and at a glance, that's quite an "address," indeed. Perhaps when I have some more time and my concentration is better, I will return and give it a more thorough read.

bachsonata@mac.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Secret Rapture said...

I have found that most people find it hard to get all the way through with my Address.

Patient Anonymous said...

Hi secret rapture, thanks for responding.