Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Am I Cycling, Is it The Season Or Both?

This is going to be a messy post. Partially because I haven't had any caffeine yet...wait, better go rectify that for you, readers...hang on:

...pause...

Okay, caffeine, check. Nicotine, check. Patient Anonymous tries to be stimulated when she writes posts in order to be understandable when she writes. Patient Anonymous also tends to speak in the third person sometimes, especially when she can not access her emotions. You see, Patient Anonymous lives mostly in her head and deals with things logically. She has a hard time finding her feelings and knowing where they live. Most people say "the heart" but that is an organ that pumps and supplies blood to all the other organs in the body. Patient Anonymous does not know where feelings and emotions lie.

All right, let's just get on with it.

After years of living with Bipolar, I've learned to become acutely aware of my cycling patterns. I've become, almost hypervigilant of mood changes--well, most of the time. But since I've been fairly stable for a while, it's difficult to know if a minor change is indicative of "cycling" or just a natural change in mood.

Has Christmas been a "trigger?"

For the past few days I've been feeling down and irritable. And anxious too. It's more than just the regular "busy-ness" of the season for really, I haven't been that busy. Things have slowed down considerably.

It's my family.

Let's start with Mom. I received a Christmas card a few days prior to Christmas Day. Before that, no news of anything. My grandmother died in the fall so I didn't know if we would be getting together. I waited for some sort of invitation, no call. That was fine as Christmas has never been a pleasant time for me. No good memories as a child. It was always full of fighting between my parents (they divorced when I was 14) and we were always late (by hours sometimes) for any other family gathering due to my Mom never being able to get anywhere on time. She's habitually doing things that can always wait until another time and checking nervously if the stove is off etc...

So I called Mom on Christmas Day just to say hello and wish her a Merry Christmas. It was odd. It was like, if I didn't call her the day would not have even existed. She said she had a couple of presents for my partner and I and would we like to come by, maybe some time next week(?) I said we would find a date and get back to her. There are still things to sort out with my grandmother's estate so perhaps we could wait until then. That is what we agreed upon so we will get together...whenever?

My Dad. This is bothering me more. He was living in another province for several years. Our relationship has dwindled to pretty much nothing now and I don't understand why. I have some ideas like he's an immature asshole and perhaps more but I am still left confused and wondering. We used to be very close but more like "buddies"--not like a father and daughter. Still, he's the only "Dad" I've ever known.

Anyway, he moved back to my/our home province in October and has not contacted me--at least not directly. He has sent some mass emails where I have been included but he has not bothered to send anything to me personally or call. Why? Or why not should be the better question. And no Christmas invitations or wishes from anyone on his side of the family either (my Mom is an only child so no no extended family there.)

I debated checking my work email account from home while I am on vacation to see if anything is there but a) I am on vacation and b) I doubt that there is anything is there.

So is this merely the "Christmas Blues" or has my family (yet again) thrown me into a (mini) Bipolar tailspin. Maybe both? At any rate, my meds are holding and I'm not in any danger or feeling like doing anything "stupid."

I discussed some of the issues about my father with my therapist last week. I can't go and see her this week so I guess what I'm going through now will have to wait a bit. We talked about the idea of clients "divorcing parents." Hmmm.

Well, it's not something I need to decide right away but I'm not happy with him.

5 comments:

sisiphusledge said...

Meant to reply earlier....couldn't think of what to say apart from aarrghhhh! Results from (1)the season, (2) my current mood, and (3) a propensity for getting completely piddled at this time of year!

Cheers and have a happy New Year,

Best wishes,
Sisiphus :)

Tiesha's Place said...

Great blog! I learned a lot from it. Thanks!

Patient Anonymous said...

Hi sis: Not to worry...hard to know what to say to a post like this anyway?

Hi tiesha: Nice to meet you. Thank you for the complements. Hope to see you again soon!

Megan said...

I have things with my dad too. He doesn't connect probably his piece of autism.
But he's never tried to learn about aspergers and always acted like I was an emabressment to have around espically when theres company.

Patient Anonymous said...

Hi megan, that ticks me off about people with family members of people on the Spectrum or any other disorder. I'm sorry to hear that you've been treated that way. People should be accepted for who they are and not treated as lesser human beings due to whatever's going on in their heads, you know?